Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Press Play and Move On

I have realized that my moving back to Albany was in fact a mistake. My judgement was clouded at the time I made the rash decision, and it was completely out of character for me.

I don't follow people. I follow personal dreams and goals, and relationships have never been part of the dreams and goals of my adult life. I was in fact ready to settle down with "The One," but following him and his irresponsible decisions was a mistake that turned out poorly. My intention in making my next statement is not to sound overly confident or cocky, it's simply the truth. I don't chase boys; boys chase me. That has always been especially true with Kyle. He has never been able to refrain from following me wherever I go. In the past several years he has spent nearly just as much of his time visiting/residing with me as he has with any of his friends or family. When the tables turned and I followed him he was not capable of handling the new position of having the upper hand. Neither of us handled our switched roles well. He grossly abused his newly-found control in the relationship, and I became a weaker person that neither he nor I had ever seen in me before.

The only solution in my eyes for me, not for the sake of our relationship--or the lack thereof, is to reposition myself in a new place where I am in sole control of my life. I must continue my gypsy journey to find the place where I truly feel that I belong, press the play button and continue what was paused. It is possible that carrying out this decision may be healthy for mine and Kyle's relationship, although my hopes are not high.

Albany is simply not the place for me. It will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always be back to visit. The schools here are not up to par with other regions of the country. Although the cultural side is improving, Albany still has far to go before it can compete with other cities in which I have lived. I need cultural stimulation, and I think my children will benefit from it as well. Albany also cannot compete with other cities in the employment category. The Marine Corps base is really my only option if I want to maintain the standard of living I have become accustomed to, and I am not a fan of being limited. Ultimately there are just too many downfalls to settling down here. Getting out sooner rather than later will be best for both me and my children.

Having made this decision, my outlook is now much more positive than it has been these last couple months. Of course it will be stressful to be alone when the new baby arrives. I may end up staying in Albany until the baby is born, but for now I'll just go with the flow. I will continue life here but will also actively search for employment elsewhere. If an offer I can't refuse arises, I'm as good as gone.

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